


the space between us

by thestarsalonecantell



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-17 22:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15471510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarsalonecantell/pseuds/thestarsalonecantell
Summary: “Since then, they became inseparable, Renjun-and-Jeno rather than just Renjun and Jeno.”Renjun and his childhood best friend Jeno have been a unit since they met. What happens when the threat of separation looms?





	the space between us

**Author's Note:**

> just wanted to get over my writers block!! please read the tags, and I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> twitter: @/thestarsalone come yell at me on there

 

 

Renjun can't remember what his life was like before he met Jeno-- literally. They must have been 3... or maybe 4, he's not clear. No matter the specifics, they were small toddlers when they met, barely capable of rational thought. He'd just moved from China, and his mum decided that a play-date with the neighbour would be beneficial to him, and she was right, because Jeno plodded over to the sullen child in the sandbox and saw something that must have made him stick around. 

 

Renjun wasn't very happy with that at first. He just wanted to be left alone as he made his Moomin doll walk up and over the sandy hill he'd created with his own hands- but in the end, Jeno's bright eye smile, so remarkable even at that age, along with his repetitive questioning, consisting of only one request, "Want to be friends, Injunnie?" won Renjun over.

 

Since then, they became inseparable, Renjun-and-Jeno rather than just Renjun and Jeno. One could never be found without the other, and it stayed that way. Renjun has always preferred it that way; he could always count on Jeno, sweet, lovely Jeno who always had a smile on his face and who gave the best hugs of anyone Renjun knew, and Jeno could always count on him to be rational and tell him the truth when it mattered. 

 

Even as their friendship group expanded, to include Jaemin and Donghyuck in their class at school, to include Chenle and Jisung who both live down the road from them, to eventually include Mark who works at the ice-cream shop and always gives them a discount when Donghyuck is present, it has remained Renjun-and-Jeno. 

 

Even as Renjun has gradually started losing interest in everything, staying at home more often than not, felt the panic closing in on him as his classmates would ask him which model in someone's mum's fashion magazine looked the best, and he could only stare blankly at the pages and shake his head in blind confusion, he's sure that it will still be Renjun-and-Jeno once he gets over this odd phase of feeling like nothing matters. 

 

 

 

 

Right now, he's not so sure anymore.

 

Jeno is standing in front of him, unshed tears of frustration in his eyes and desperation in his voice as he says, "You haven't talked to me in _months_!" 

 

Only ten minutes ago, he'd knocked on the door, barged past Sicheng, (who'd only shrugged, because it was _Jeno_ , and shouted up the stairs that he'd "tried to tell him you didn't want visitors, sorry bro,") and asked Renjun what the hell was wrong with him. " _I understand not spending time with the others if you're not feeling so great, but you won't even hang out with me anymore_!" 

 

"I'll be back to normal soon." Renjun promises, but the words taste bitter in his mouth, and he knows that Jeno sees right through him, as he always has done. 

 

"That's what you said when Jaemin asked three weeks ago!" Jeno exclaims. "I'll understand if you just want to be alone, but you can't just isolate yourself like this- we're _worried_ about you." His voice cracks over 'worried', and he sucks in a breath. "It's because we care about you. _I_ care about you, Injunnie."

 

Renjun doesn't know what possesses him at that moment; maybe it's the realisation that does it, that however much Jeno cares about him, it will never be enough for the sick, twisted parts of him that want more than Jeno can ever give him. Perhaps it's the festering thought that he's been harbouring for some time, that he has never and will never deserve Jeno, pushing him to do his very utmost to drive him away. Maybe it's the shock of hearing the nickname he hasn't heard in months. 

 

He doesn't know exactly what comes out of his mouth, it's all a blur to him- but he knows that it's harsh, and it involves shouting at Jeno to _just leave him alone_ , and before he knows it, the air has gone cold between them, and Jeno, sweet, lovely Jeno, is wiping at his eyes and smiling. The smile is wobbly, and it's far from the eye-smile Renjun is so familiar with. "If that's what you want," he's saying, bottom lip quivering when he stops to draw breath, "I'll do it." Suddenly Renjun, sitting in his desk chair, feels smaller than his ratty old Moomin doll that still sits beside his bed, and he becomes all too aware of the space that has opened up between himself and Jeno, despite them being barely a metre apart. He can feel the change that has occurred, Renjun-and-Jeno becoming Renjun. And Jeno. 

 

Whilst he thinks about all of this, Jeno is turning to leave.

 

Renjun considers calling out to him, apologising, telling him _I don't want to ever lose you_ , but he doesn't because all he can think is that this is what he deserves. So he watches Jeno shut the door soundlessly behind him, because even when he's upset, he's still the most considerate person Renjun knows. 

 

Then he sinks further into his chair and sighs an exhale which draws all the air from his lungs. He feels like crying, but he doesn't even have the energy for that. What a miserable existence this is.

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, when Renjun has retired to bed with his Moomin doll clutched tight to his chest, Sicheng pops his head into the room, cautious. Renjun doesn't even bother to acknowledge him, but he sits on the edge of the bed anyway. "It's bad, huh?"

 

Renjun nods, slowly, and that's all his older brother needs to draw him into a hug. "It'll be okay. You and Jeno can't be separated for too long, you'll get withdrawal symptoms." He chuckles. "I know you can tough it out, and if things get bad, you can talk to me."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He doesn't think that completely separating their friendship group is what Sicheng meant by 'toughing it out', but that's what happens. 

 

Mark, Donghyuck, Jisung and Jeno continue in their normal routine, three of the four saying hi to Renjun whenever they cross paths. Jeno isn't outwardly rude to him, but he refuses to even look in Renjun's direction. It hurts, but it's the numb kind of pain that doesn't reach him. Jeno's absence feels like emptiness, like there is a nothing where a something should be and Renjun is acutely aware of it at all times.

 

"Just go talk to him." Jaemin says, exasperated, after the third time Renjun is caught staring at Jeno across the canteen. He, along with Chenle, has made it his mission to "get Renjun to stop being a coward." The fact that Renjun refuses to socialise no longer bothers them.

 

"I can't."

 

"Why ever not?" Chenle asks. “You have legs, and you have a mouth as well.” Jaemin shoots finger guns at him, saying, “The lad’s got a point.” Renjun rolls his eyes.

 

“He won’t forgive me.” he mutters, lowering his head back to his half-eaten lasagne. “What’s the point?”

 

“The point is, we should all be over there, eating with the rest!” Jaemin points out.

 

“Besides,” Chenle adds, “you know Jeno’s-” He stops abruptly, then continues. “You know he’d forgive you in a heartbeat. He’s just a nice guy like that.”

 

“The world needs more people like Jeno.” That’s Jaemin’s solemnly delivered input.

 

“You’re right.” Renjun feels like his bones are made of lead, but he stands up all the same, pushing the remains of his lasagne to Jaemin as he does so, causing the other teenager to whoop in delight. Renjun barely hears it, blood roaring in his ears as he starts making his way over to the table at which the other group sit. Mark notices him first, smiling widely. Then Donghyuck looks up and waves, and even Jisung sends a small smile his way. Only Jeno refuses to look up, even when Renjun is right in front of him.

 

“Jeno,” he starts, feeling his hands begin to tremble, “can I have a word?”

 

“Sorry, I have... boxing club.” Jeno mumbles, picking up his tray of food that’s barely been touched and rushing off. Renjun raises an eyebrow at Donghyuck, who mouths “No he doesn’t.”He sighs.

 

That’s the first of Renjun’s many attempts to talk to Jeno. Somehow, he summons the energy from somewhere to be able to try again and again despite being (politely) rejected each time.

 

“Jeno, I really need to talk to you-”

 

“I really have to get to debate club!”

 

 

 

“Do you have any time-”

 

“I’ve got a detention I can’t miss!”

 

 

 

“Jeno, _please_ -”

 

“Maybe later, Jisung needs help with his homework.”

 

 

 

It all comes to a point where Renjun absolutely cannot stand it any longer, so he bides his time, and gathers his reserves of willpower for one last attempt.

 

It’s 2:14am by Renjun’s watch, and instead of being in bed like he probably should be, he’s outside in his pyjamas, picking pebbles up from the gravel. There’s a method to his madness- a rather cliché one, admittedly, but Jeno is weak for clichés, despite the teasing he has to endure, so Renjun hopes that he’ll finally make time for him.

 

When he’s made sure that he has enough pebbles, he positions himself below Jeno’s bedroom window and, in a completely overused and cringeworthy move, starts chucking the small stones at it.

 

The first misses the window completely, hitting the wall. Renjun curses under his breath before lifting his arm to throw the second, which suffers a similar fate to the first.

 

The third hits its mark with a loud thud, but Renjun levels three more pebbles at the window for good measure before it’s yanked open and Renjun stops his arm just in time to prevent the fourth from hitting Jeno smack in his furrowed eyebrows.

 

“What are you doing?” he whispers, with a tone that’s confused but free of malice.

 

“I’m an arsehole!” Renjun whisper-shouts, seeing the way Jeno’s face twitches to contain a laugh. “Come down and let’s talk... please?” Jeno says nothing, but his face disappears from the window, and almost as an afterthought, it is pulled shut.

 

Less than a minute later, Jeno stands in front of him, clothed in pyjamas. In his haste, he seems to have forgotten to put any shoes on, and his bare feet twitch on the grass, wet with the early morning dew. “What did you want to say?”

 

Renjun draws in a breath. “Where do I start?” He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have isolated myself from you guys at all, and I _definitely_ shouldn’t have snapped at you when you tried to talk some sense into me.” He makes eye contact with Jeno, whose deep brown eyes offer only warmth. “I’m really sorry for letting my poor mental health get the best of me, and I promise it won’t come between us again.” He doesn’t mention the other underlying problem; Jeno never needs to know about that, especially when Renjun will probably be over it sooner or later.

 

“Come here, you nitwit.” Jeno murmurs, opening his arms, and like a moth to a flame, Renjun gravitates into the embrace that he’s missed for what seems like far too long. It is here, within the circle of Jeno’s arms, where he feels like he truly belongs.

 

“I missed you, Injunnie.” These are the words whispered into the top of his head- Renjun can feel Jeno’s lips moving as he speaks. “Never do that to me again.”

 

He curls further into Jeno’s chest, hearing the strong, steady heartbeat that belongs to none other than sweet, lovely Jeno, _his_ Jeno. Despite the racing in his own chest and the blood rising in his cheeks, he manages to keep his emotions under control. The last thing he needs is for Jeno to find out now, and be as disgusted with him as he is with himself. Nevertheless, he can’t help the wave of happiness and contentment that settles over him. “I won’t.” he reassures Jeno. “I’ll just stay right here.”


End file.
